he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
