For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
