I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
