I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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