I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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