I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
