Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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