just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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