I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
