Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
