wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The best revenge is premature balding
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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