I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
