i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
