just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
