I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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