remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
