ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
