That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
