im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize