She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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