Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
