sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
