I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
