So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
bring money and cleavage
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
