The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
