i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
