this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
