New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize