I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
