I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
