Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
