I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
