just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
