Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
