My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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