You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
