At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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