Don't make out with my wife yet
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
