walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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