then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
