Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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