the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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