Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
