I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
