I think my vagina is haunted
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize