My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
