So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
