The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
