i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
