somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
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