upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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