I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
