Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
