just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
whose parrot is this?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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