just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
