my cup is half full, half full of rum.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
