I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
