I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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