She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're so nebulous sometimes
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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