she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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