Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
