Yo dont text me then not text me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
