The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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